Traveling to Jamaica was an experience that I will never forget. Seeing my mother after over 20 years was extremely crucial and life-changing for me. She was the missing link to all things that were missing in me. Being surrounded by her love, her honesty and her strength that she sometimes forgets she has was a blessing. I thought about what I would write and how I could describe the array of emotions that I have been feeling and it sums up to just happiness. Hearing stories of her struggles and seeing the beauty that it has brought to her and her life erased all of my anger and confusion that I harbored towards her for many years. Spending time with my mother gave me a newfound feeling of love and I never would’ve thought that I would feel this way. I always dreamed of the day that we’d meet again and how I would feel, what would I say, and how I would handle it. Upon meeting her, she made me feel comfortable and at ease, an aura that I immediately held a vibe with. I felt so close to her as if we’d spent years together when in actuality we were making up for the time lost.
Her heart is pure. Her smile is electric and her energy is magnifying.
I really look at her and see so much of myself, I just couldn’t stop staring and wondering what she was like when she was younger. As my sister and I scavenged our grandmothers’ house for old photos of her, she remained modest and humble…..cause she was flyyyyyy back in the days, let me tell you! LoL.
This trip was unforgettable and getting to know her made me feel whole. Being in the presence of my mother made me feel like that little girl that always held so many questions in my heart for her. Why would a mother give up her children? Why didn’t she try harder? Why didn’t she think of her kids? These were the words in my head that kept me angry for a very long time. That little girl that was lucky to have been nurtured and raised by a loving family still always wanted her mother. Growing older I sometimes felt like I didn’t need her and would think that there wasn’t a need to be angry, but deep down inside that feeling always resurfaced. I was often confused, numb to the fact that she is my mother and even at a loss for words sometimes; because when faced with my reality and questions from people in my life, I didn’t have the full answers, or at least not the right ones. But embarking on this journey, she answered. She released. She exposed her true self wholeheartedly, and finally, I understood a lot more than I ever had. I understood her trials, her setbacks, her obstacles, and most importantly her heart. Leaving her to come back home brought me to tears because I looked at her and realized that she embodies healing and my siblings and I are representations of that healing. The woman that she is now because of what she went through has gained so much respect from me, I couldn’t fathom her not being a part of my life from this point on.
The strength of my mother inspires. She gave me a piece of my heart back that I know will never break again. As the youngest of six, I am Christine’s baby and I say that with so much love for her.