The Pieces of My Shattered Heart
At times we think we know what’s best for us when get into a relationship with someone. We may not be ready for one, we may have a wall up, we may have much more important things going on in our lives, yet we fall into one anyway. We crave a connection so deep with someone that we ignore the little voice in the back of our minds that’s questioning if this is really meant. We want to be loved and to love so badly that we don’t listen to our inner voice telling us that we may just not be ready.
I was in love. A deep, co-dependent, roller-coaster, exciting, exhilarating type of romance. It was breath-taking, unpredictable, comforting and comfortable, but it was no longer meant for me. I wasn’t ready to go down that road with the same person all over again. The pain and suffering that I endured from that relationship – or lack thereof, was enough for me to never want to venture down that road again. A huge part of my womanhood and the way I view relationships/dating now had a lot to do with my self-discovery after my first heartbreak. Falling in love for the first time and being broken by the very same person who opened your heart to that kind of love in the first place is a constant battle with knowing better, but doing the opposite. So to grow, rediscover myself and be willing to just move on from that kind of hurt took a lot of bravery; something I took immense pride in. I prided myself in finally getting through it, getting over it and being completely done with it. Therefore, I wasn’t ready to give up pieces of myself, my time and my selfishness for someone that I had already done it for years before. This is something I already knew, when I opened a new chapter to an old book, but the ‘someone’ is what made all of the difference in my mind a year ago. You tend to think that because you have a history with a person that you owe them something, or better yet, they owe you. If they come back into your life they owe you an explanation of where they went wrong, they owe you an about-face of their actions, this time it will be different, right? You think because you keep going back to your comfort zone there’s this divine sign from the universe telling you that this has to be meant for you. But, what’s really calling us to be with someone? Fear of being alone? Fear of not finding someone better? I couldn’t tell you the answer – it’s different for everyone, for you, for them, for him, but for me… it was a case of comfort. I ignored every voice inside of me that told me to let the past be the past. I felt like being in love when I wasn’t in love with myself was the key to securing that part of my future.
I look in the mirror and I love myself, but sometimes I hated the very parts of myself that made me, me. Sometimes I disliked myself because I’m not where I want to be in life and I thought that the comfort of a relationship could fill the void of all other areas of discomfort within my life.
As my relationship slipped away, yet again – I started to realize that if I continued to allow myself to go back to what makes me comfortable, I would never grow. I realized that for a very long time I have been running from something.
I was missing something.
This emptiness displayed itself all throughout my relationship. In many different ways. While he was giving me everything, it still just wasn’t enough for me. And although I didn’t have the answer to what was missing, I know that the toxicity of being in that relationship could not fill it. “Love” came from every direction – friends, family, & my relationship. & even after it was over, attention came from those who meant absolutely nothing to me but were only present to serve as an escape from my loneliness. I looked for a bond in many without searching for the reason to my indescribable loneliness that just couldn’t seem to be soothed. So many things fell apart that got me to this very point of realization. Because of that particular failed, yet meaningful relationship, I realized that sometimes things fall apart so that we can make room for a breakthrough in our lives. We question why certain people enter our lives and light up our soul, make the world a bit easier and then leave us or only stay for a while. We’re so focused on the outer satisfaction instead of healing our inner turmoil. Some people are only encounters to help you realize that much more about yourself and what kind of person you are, or what kind of person you want to be. Some people are only stepping stones to help us reach certain heights to our higher selves. I’m learning to be thankful for the experiences and how to be humble in picking up the pieces of my shattered heart and letting them go. I’m learning to appreciate when a person is there for you but to be firm in knowing when they are no longer needed. I’m learning that because I am good for you, you may not be good for me. I’m learning to put myself, my needs and my wants, first. I’m learning to love me.
Sometimes I feel like my heart is about to jump out of my chest,
and that’s just my anxiety screaming, trying to escape.
Stuck between a rock and some solid emotions.
Feeling like giving in to my world caving, feeling like I need saving.
Feeling like I’m drowning, feeling like I can’t breathe, I feel like I let you get to me.
Awaiting the day that the pain turns into passion, when it all isn’t falling apart, coming down, crashing.
I hope I learn to love someone else, that someone is me.